


Ghost of you

by karol



Category: The Grisha Trilogy - Leigh Bardugo
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Break Up, F/M, Getting Back Together, Not Canon Compliant, Pain
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-27
Updated: 2021-03-03
Packaged: 2021-03-18 09:20:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,267
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29731707
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/karol/pseuds/karol
Summary: just a little break up story I wrote today because I obviously love painalso first time writing in like 6 years, so I apologise if it makes 0 sense
Relationships: The Darkling | Aleksander Morozova/Alina Starkov
Comments: 8
Kudos: 29





	1. Part 1: the break up

Alina couldn't even recall when she stopped being happy with him, it's been such a long time ago.  
  
Of course, she remembered being in love, the feeling of being content. Aleksander coming home every night with a smile on his beautiful face, drunk on happiness from seeing her waiting for him. They would spend time before going to bed together, talking about everything and anything, holding each other as close as possible.  
He knew she understood him better than all the people in his life combined and he also knew he would never find another person like her, if he ever managed to mess things up. Alina was his person, if she left, he'd be alone again and that was the last thing he wanted. He already spent most of his life alone, never having anyone who felt like Aleksander was good enough for them. Always telling him that he must be better, he must do more. Not Alina. She made sure he knew he was what she wanted, that he didn't have to change a thing about him.  
  
As their relationship progressed and they both got older, his job started to get in the way of them. Aleksander was never home now. Always working on this and that and not even paying her attention when she dared to ask him to stay just a little longer, just to keep him next to her for a couple more minutes.  
Lately, his work hours got over his head, he came back hours after she went to bed and even when he arrived earlier, he was too exhausted to keep a simple conversation going, long gone were the times when they talked for hours, the easy conversations they used to have all the time.  
Alina was tired of falling asleep alone at night. She missed him so much, missed the way they cuddled for hours on the weekends and laughed together every day.  
She hated the feeling of being lonely in their apartment, in their home where the only thing she wanted was to be surrounded by happiness and by him.  
She’s had enough, she couldn't take this anymore.  
  
Knowing what she had to do, she slowly packed her clothes and stuff up, intentionally leaving things he got for her, hoping she could save herself from at least a little pain, hoping it might help her heal faster.  
  
After she was finished, she sat on the sofa and waited. After what felt like days, the front door finally swung open and then shut. She could see him from the living room, dressed in all black, as he was every time he left for work. Before he said anything and made her lose her confidence, she spoke.  
  
"We need to talk."  
  
He could feel the tension in the air, he wasn't stupid. It's been like that for some time now. He was aware of the fact that Alina wasn't as happy anymore but he was helpless, without a clue on how to make things better, he wasn't prepared for this.  
  
"Alina, let's not argue tonight, I'm tired."  
"You're tired? Oh, I'm sorry, is this not a good time to talk about my feelings, Aleksander?"  
  
He looked confused, hearing the sarcasm in her voice. He still believed they could make their relationship better; he knew he loved her with his entire heart and that she loved him as well.  
  
Aleksander went to their bedroom to pick up clothes to change into after he showered. He glanced around the room, seeing the change right away.  
  
"Alina, where are your things?"  
"Oh, I honestly thought you'd not even notice. I need to tell you something and it might be easier for the both of us, if you just let me finish first. I want you to know that I don't blame you for the way things are between us, I blame myself for not realising sooner I'm putting so much time and effort into this relationship and how you are simply taking and not giving back."  
  
Now she was the one who was tired. All her energy seemed to rush out of her with every word she spoke.  
  
"You are never here! You are so consumed by your job that I'm alone all of the time and that is not what I want for myself, I need someone who's willing to stay. I'll never be enough for you, don't you see? I've tried so hard but it is not what you need. I know you need something else and I can't give you that. "  
  
He didn't understand what she was saying, didn't want to. Even though he noticed she wasn't happy, he never imagined she'd actually leave him. His heart felt like it was sinking. The feeling of actually losing her made his brain go into a full panic mode.  
  
"Alina..."  
"Don't. You know I'm right, so don't try to lie to me."  
"It can't end like this. I don't understand what's going on. Please..."  
  
A tear rolled down his cheek. They were both crying at this point, not being able to deal with the pain in any other way.  
  
"I love you, Alina. Please don't go."  
  
He whispered. She was close enough to hear every word. Every word that made her hurt so much more then she could have ever imagined.  
She lightly touched his jaw, could not resist feeling his skin under her fingertips one last time. She was almost unable to see through her tears but the sob he let out broke her heart all over again. It's been in pieces for some time but she had not been prepared for the look of anguish that crossed his beautiful face.  
The decision she made didn't change, she'd been through this so many times in her head, it could not change. They needed to break up, needed the time alone. Yet her heart kept screaming for her to stay, to never let him go.  
  
He tried to hold her, to keep her close, just for a little longer. He needed her to see how much they were both hurting, how much better they would be, if they only stayed together. But she wouldn't let him.  
  
"I have to go. It's too late, Aleks. You have to let me go."  
  
She was the one sobbing now, she had to force herself to push the words out, it hurt like hell. With both of their hearts broken, she drew her hand back and walked out of the door without looking back, leaving Aleksander alone again.


	2. Part 2

Aleksander hated getting up in the morning when he wasn't going to work. He felt like he had nothing to look forward to, now that she wasn't there anymore.   
He kept dreaming about her, about hearing a knock on the door and her being there, stunning as always, telling him she wanted to talk about everything that happened, maybe go for a walk. Even worse were the dreams where he re-lived his memories of her. Meeting her for the first time, asking her out, moving in together, touching her. The break up.  
Every time he woke up from one of those, he hugged the pillow that used to be hers, the scent of her shampoo faded with time.   
Sitting up, he looked around the room. She left some of her things behind, the sketchbook he gave her for Christmas, his shirts she used instead of pyjamas.   
What hurt the most were the photos they took back when him and Alina were happy, they were all over the bedroom. He didn't have the strength to take them down yet, but he knew he had to. He knew he had to get past this.  
Taking a deep breath, he got out of bed. Today was the day, he decided. It was time to get himself back together.

Alina never really thought she'd actually see him again.   
Months went by and she was starting to get over him. Or at least she thought she was getting over him.   
She still missed him but managed not to cry herself to sleep every night. That had to be a progress.   
The fact that he didn't try to contact her for 2 months might have been one of the reasons it was getting easier.   
The day she left he called and called. When she didn't pick up for what felt like a hundred time, he started texting. She didn't read the messages, instead she turned her phone off and went to sleep.   
The only message she ever read was:  
You mean too much to me. I know I have to give you space, I understand that but I don't want you to disappear out of my life, Alina. I can't let that happen. Please can we talk when you're ready? Give me a call maybe?  
Aleks

She didn't answer and deleted the rest. 

The day they met was not a great one, for either of them.   
When Alina's friend Genya suggested they meet for lunch in a restaurant three streets away from where Alina and Aleksander used to live together, her heart skipped a couple of beats.  
Alina knew she was playing with fire, being way too close to him but in a twisted way she wanted to prove to herself she could handle the possibility of running into him.  
When she arrived at the restaurant, she received a message from Genya, informing her she'll be late.  
She'd been seated close to the entrance, so she would know the instant Genya arrived, what she didn't know was that he was there, sitting a couple tables away from her.

He saw her the minute she appeared. Not being able to believe that it was her at first. He tried to calm down. She wasn't there to meet him; he couldn't bother her. He felt the pull towards her, trying so hard to resist. But it was too strong, he managed to stay seated for only a few minutes.

"Alina?”  
Her heart skipped a beat. She knew that meeting him was a possibility but it wasn't like they ever went here when they were together. She looked up at him, throat tight so much she couldn't speak for a moment.  
He took a deep breath, trying to compose himself. She looked beautiful, although she was obviously tired, she never looked more beautiful to him.  
“Hi, can I sit here for a bit?"  
"I don't think that's a good idea, Aleks."  
"I just want to know how you're doing."  
"I'm okay, I guess. How are you?"

He sat down opposite her, he knew exactly what she was doing. He knew her so well, like the back of his hand. She was doing her best to appear strong, unbothered. 

“What do you think? Alina, you left. You didn't answer my messages, I had no idea if you're okay, no idea where you went."  
“I’m sorry, I thought I was making it easier for us both. I thought it would be easier if we stopped talking completely.”  
He watched her face carefully. He could see that she was still hurting, just as he was.

"I miss you."  
Slowly, he took her hand and linked their fingers, waiting for her response. He wasn't breathing, scared that she would refuse him even the smallest touch. He knew he had no right to her but he couldn't stand the fact.  
“Don’t say that. Aleks, I can't take it.”  
But she didn't take her hand away from his. His hands were so warm, so big. She loved the way they felt against her own skin.   
“What do you want me to say, Aleksander?   
”I need you to give me one more chance, love. That's all I am asking. We can work through this. I don’t feel better without you and I can see that you are not doing much better without me. We were happy, weren't we?”  
“Of course we were but that changed at some point. I can't stay with you. I needed you to be there for me and you weren't able to do that. I was just an afterthought, someone you came back to every night but didn't pay much attention to.”  
"You're so much more than. I am so sorry you feel that way. I know I can do better, I am certain of it. Now that i know what it's like to be without you, I never want that again. Please, come back to me.”

She still let him hold her hand. He felt so much better now, laying it all down in the open. He wished that she would say yes, the hopefulness he felt was overwhelming. If she asked for more time, he would give it to her. He would give her everything, just to get her back. 

She felt herself nod a little. She knew he was telling the truth but was unsure of how they could fix all this mess they were in. 

“I hear what you are saying but I am going to need more than just words this time. We will start again. I need you to show me that I am more. That we can be happy again.”  
“You know I'd do anything for you, Alina.”

She felt her heartbeat quicken, her thoughts messy. Did she know he'd do anything for her?   
A huge smile suddenly appeared on his face. She could see the wheels turning in his brain, reaching a decision.  
He nodded, the smile never leaving his face.  
“ I am sorry, beautiful. I would love to take you out sometime, if that's okay with you?”

She finally smiled then.


End file.
